This is an experience report that one of my clients kindly wrote about her journey with me. Everything is her own words.
Note that this client initially asked for tantric massage, and when someone with a traumatic background asks for such a powerful experience, I usually start them with a more structured form of touch that gives the person a lot of control and communication (and therefore safety). Over time, that can lead to a "full" tantric massage where the client can safely enjoy a deeper experience.
— Paul
The Beginning
Following a sexual assault and mistreatment in previous relationships, I went through life disconnected from myself and others. For 20 years, I kept silent about what had happened, feeling completely numb inside and very afraid of men.
My journey towards healing began with counselling. Although talking about the assault for the first time was liberating, I still felt disconnected from my body and the world after the counselling ended. This led me to explore other approaches, which is how I discovered tantric massage and bodywork.
My first experience with tantric massage was with a female practitioner. The emotions that surfaced during this session - crying, fear, anger, sadness, grief, vulnerability, shame - were astonishing to me. This experience showed me how much was stuck in my body, waiting to be addressed. I realised then that to truly heal, I needed to work with a male practitioner, as the trauma had been inflicted by men.
It took me a full year to consider reaching out to a male therapist. I was terrified, but I had reached a point where I felt ready to reclaim myself, my voice, and to enjoy life again.
Initial Hesitations
The prospect of allowing my feelings and emotions to surface, be felt, and be seen was extremely daunting. I doubted I was strong enough to cope with them. The thought of a man touching me made me feel nauseous, scared, and angry. I had many apprehensions, but I also knew in my heart that the rewards would far outweigh the difficulties.
Before our first session, I had many questions for Paul. He patiently answered every query, making me feel respected and heard. I found it very difficult to say 'no' as my 'no' had been ignored in the past, so we discussed having a safe word that would signal him to withdraw his hands. This gave me a great sense of reassurance and control over the session.
The First Session
Our initial session was a tantric massage, held in a hotel I was familiar with - I chose this as the safest place for me. Right until Paul's arrival, I was having doubts about whether I had made the right decision, but my courage prevailed.
Despite knowing I was safe, I was shaking with fear just having Paul in the room. At one point, when I allowed Paul's hand on my knee (which I had specifically requested), my system screamed danger. I sat through all the shaking and freezing until my body realised I was safe. Paul calmly and repeatedly asked if this was the right touch, and I nodded, always in control of the process. Eventually, the shaking settled. This was a very significant breakthrough for me.
Revealing my body to a man terrified me, but Paul approached everything step-by-step with gentleness and respect, moving at my pace. Nothing was rushed or forced upon me. This experience confirmed that I had chosen the right practitioner to guide me on this healing journey.
Throughout the session, I felt in control, respected, and cherished. For the first time, all my emotions were met with love, patience, care, and compassion. It was a profound experience, and I felt safer than I had in years.
Ongoing Work
Over the past year, I've had about eight in-person sessions with Paul, plus online sessions to help process what came up after our meetings. In subsequent sessions, we addressed layers of shame, fears, and trauma. Paul's ability to connect with me exactly where I am, makes working with him an exceptional and life-changing experience.
Communication reached a level I'd never experienced before. Even when I held back or couldn't physically get my words out due to shame or fear, Paul used various techniques, including Clean Language, to enable me to express myself. With each difficult word spoken, I felt a step closer to true freedom.
Bodywork and Emotional Healing
The bodywork has been crucial in bringing my body back to life. As Paul helped me chip away at the numbness, I began to relax more into the touch, trusting and allowing my body to feel again. It's still challenging in some areas, but we continue to work on this.
When shame surfaces, for example, when expressing my sexuality, we pause and discuss what's coming up for me. Because it's approached with such care and acceptance, the shame often dissolves.
The Wheel of Consent
Paul bases all his work on the Wheel of Consent, and learning about that model and practicing it has been life-changing. It's helped me notice where I need stronger boundaries in my life, especially with family. This tool has aided me in regaining my voice and realising there's no shame in asking for what I need, even in intimate situations.
Impact on Daily Life
I feel more awakened in my body now. The skills I've learned, particularly from the Wheel of Consent, have enabled me to have my voice again and to be really heard, especially when making my needs known to family. I know I'll be able to use these skills in future communications with men.
The most significant change is that I'm starting to think and talk about what it would be like to be in a relationship with a man again. This is a monumental shift! I'm beginning to feel more confident and starting to like and accept myself once more. I've learned that the traumas I experienced do not define me, and it's acceptable to hold boundaries that I need for my wellbeing.
Practical Aspects
After the first session in the hotel, subsequent sessions were held at Paul's workplace. This was mainly due to the trust that had built up between sessions through communication. As I live in the North of the country and travelling is difficult for me, I decided to book two sessions together over two days, and asked for longer sessions as I would be attending infrequently.
I knew I would be facing many triggers and fears in a short space of time, but Paul provided faultless and unfailing support and aftercare. I have always felt fully supported throughout this process. Paul has been encouraging, a listening ear, and has held space for me to share what I'm experiencing post-sessions.
Conclusion
I'm amazed at how far I've come, considering I once thought I was too broken to be helped. I'm starting to feel again and reconnecting with my femininity in a beautiful way. My heart is beating with life again.
Knowing that each session might bring new challenges, I approach them with the knowledge that I'm supported, listened to, and validated. I'm breaking free from chains that have been in place for over a decade.
I would not hesitate to recommend Paul to any woman in need of help. He is a true professional, and it's been an absolute pleasure to work with him. His focus is completely on supporting your healing, and he can hold space for anything, no matter how distressing or challenging.
Advice for Others
If you're considering this work but feeling scared, that's normal. Take it one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. And remember, you're always in control of the process. The journey can be challenging, but for me, it's been incredibly worthwhile.
There is no fear that cannot be broken. Behind that fear is courage, bravery, and determination, waiting to show itself. You are worthy!
