Content warning: This report discusses childhood sexual and physical abuse, abuse by professionals, self-harm, and eating disorders.
This is an experience report that one of my clients kindly wrote about her journey with me over three years. I've added headings to structure the writing and made light edits for clarity and privacy. Everything else is her own words.
Given her history with other male practitioners, as our work progressed into more intimate touch, I encouraged her to have an independent counsellor in place. It was someone she found, so she had a separate space to process her experiences and an independent perspective to watch for any concerns.
— Paul
Where I Started
I have a history of sexual and physical abuse from a family member, neglect and failure to thrive as a baby, which left me with disabling rejection and attachment issues and some very vulnerable fearful child parts that would get triggered and act out. I was unsure of my sexuality for some of my teenage years and into my twenties, as my experiences had left me very fearful of men and I did wonder if I was asexual, as I didn't seem attracted to either sex. If I did have any sexual experiences, it often came from a place of freezing or vulnerability, the inability to say no, and the experiences were always outside of relationship. I suffered from vaginismus to an extreme that made penetration excruciating and impossible. In my early twenties I struggled with self-harm, eating disorders, body dysmorphia and addictions, but I worked through these and started to focus my energies into my career and then I became a bit of a workaholic. I was relatively stable in my thirties to early forties and it looked like I was functioning to the outside world, but I was shut down and lonely. I have always longed, inside, to be able to have a relationship but thought no one would ever love me, as my life script has been that I was unlovable – even to my family.
In my forties I was struggling with some health issues and visited a practitioner in a healthcare setting, who was an older man – he was able to spot my childish vulnerabilities and manipulate them. The relationship became abusive, and he said he was trying to heal me by having sex with me, but the physical contact was rough and penetration not possible due to the vaginismus. I eventually got myself out of that situation by reporting him to his regulator and he was struck off – but I was subsequently taken advantage of by the male counsellor I was referred to, whilst recovering from what I'd already been through. At this point I started to believe it was all my fault and I was asking for or drawn to bad experiences.
Before my sessions with Paul, I hated every part of my body, believed I was ugly and I felt extreme religious guilt due to my faith about wanting a physical relationship. If I ever felt pleasure, or got wet, I hated myself even more. I really didn't like much about myself apart from my work self and career.
Finding Paul
During this time, I realised that my body and mind were crying out for healing and help, and this was making me vulnerable to predators. I remember standing in my lounge praying, crying out to the Universe and thinking: if only I could find someone safe who could genuinely help me heal so that a relationship would be possible for me one day. I knew I carried so much trauma and that it would be almost impossible to work that through in a romantic relationship. I googled online and found Paul, and contacting him was the best decision I ever made.
My fears about starting work with Paul were initially that he wouldn't work with me due to the abusive situations I'd found myself in as an adult and my inability to say no. I also blamed myself that the health professional who abused me got struck off and I thought Paul would see me as a threat or a danger. A part of me, however, after I found his website, dared to believe or hope that there was someone who could genuinely help me to find myself and discover my sexuality.
Paul was extremely open and reassuring and I instantly felt a connection to him and that he was the real deal. I cancelled our first call and then rebooked it, and he was so understanding and set me at ease in the emails up to the call. He was open and transparent and answered every difficult question I had, and the more I told him the truth, the more he reassured me that change is possible. I also knew I was safe – as he put clear boundaries in place so he could get to know and assess me safely, and we worked online only for the first six months, as he needed to be sure I would be able to ask for what I wanted and be able to say no to things I didn't want. I felt incredibly empowered by this and from there on really started to take charge of my own healing journey and I invited him along for the ride. I also felt, even working online, that I seemed much calmer after our sessions and I felt like I was receiving some of his energy and strength and positive transference, which was different to my experiences working with men before.
The First Touch
In our first in-person session, I decided I wanted to be held. Paul asked how I would like to be held and for how long and we did that for most of the session – stopping and starting so he could check if I wanted anything different and check in with how I was feeling. It's one of my most treasured experiences. He never got bored, and he never wanted or asked for more – and it felt like a spiritual encounter to me, so nurturing and loving, not sexual. This was the first experience I'd ever had like that in my life. These positive feelings continued as I planned out the experiences I would like my body to have to heal.
The Body Begins to Speak
One issue I had, after the bad experiences with the health professional, was extreme anxiety that I felt in my gut, which resonated with childhood abuse memories. When I felt this anxiety it wouldn't go until I had a bad experience. So I was somehow repeating bad childhood experiences, and I was going on dating websites to find a man so the anxiety would then stop after the "bad thing" happened. I had counselling – talking therapies – and nothing helped. In one session with Paul I decided I wanted to be touched on my skin underneath my clothes, as I didn't want to take them off, where the anxiety was. He asked me where and what kind of touch and I described what I wanted and then, later, when I was comfortable he also worked intuitively. At one point my body started to convulse and shake – he held my body and communicated with me in that space, he asked what I wanted and needed and he wasn't shocked or scared. We waited till the trauma reactions left my body and I felt the anxiety release and come out of my body and I felt so different and light afterwards. I had several experiences like that with Paul – my body would sometimes take over – and it was like my body was wanting to speak for the first time and show someone what it had been through in a safe place. Paul always honoured what my body wanted to say, and he never tried to rush an experience or close it down. He honoured each moment.
Another very special session was where I decided that I wanted to be anointed on my body where I had suffered extreme violence and abuse, and I wanted him to write positive, affirmative words on my body with the oil. He wrote "beautiful" on my forehead, "loved" on my hand and many other beautiful affirmations that I had chosen myself for different parts of my body. This was the first session I took clothes off and was naked but it didn't feel like a sexual experience – it felt safe and deeply loving.
When I felt safe enough, I wanted to recreate a traumatic memory of having my breasts touched, as I wanted to see if that touch would trigger something or whether, if I was touched in love, I would be OK and not have triggers. Paul did this under my clothes, and I chose just one breast to start with. He asked what kind of touch and gave me some spoken examples and I chose what I wanted, and then we tried that for a short time and then we tried different types of touch. At first I felt tense and anxious and then that started to melt away until I felt intense pleasure, and the touch that had been triggering from my abuser felt incredible when we recreated it together. This gave me so much hope that if I could find a loving relationship where I could communicate, I would be OK and would maybe even thrive.
Working Through Guilt and Shame
The sessions started to become emotionally difficult and challenging, as I discovered that the more pleasure I experienced, the more guilt I would feel sometimes during or after our sessions. I discussed this with Paul after one session and although we were over time, he stayed with this voice and encouraged me to dialogue with it as an adult – we did this together and answered every thought that came up in a rational way. This was a real breakthrough moment for me because as I drove home that voice was quiet, gone. One of the things that has amazed me so much is Paul's ability to help me, myself, to speak to my damaged childhood parts, try to understand what they need in sessions, and the strength and qualities they bring to my life and also how they have served me in the past. Over time I have started to fall in love with the child in myself and accept her and love her – instead of seeing her as "it" (I used to call her) and the monster I wanted to rip out of myself, as I thought she was ruining my life and relationships. Paul's deep understanding of parts and how to work with them safely has led to integration and deep healing that talking therapies never touched the surface of.
Reclaiming My Sexuality
I was also able to design more of my own session activities to help me desensitise myself from traumatic memories with penises. Paul always encouraged me to ask for and design the experiences I wanted, and I got braver in doing this and asking for these, realising his only motives were to facilitate my growth and healing. We worked gradually over a series of sessions — first being in proximity, then looking, then eventually touch — always at a distance and pace I chose. I thought I would feel disgusted and be badly triggered but my experiences were really healing and seem to have freed me of traumatic memories and flashbacks, because it happened in a context of complete safety and trust. I was in complete control and able to explore in a way that felt safe to me and that I wanted. This was empowering and healing. Now when I think of a penis, I think of safety and care rather than the awful memories of my abuser or having one thrust into me. I surprised myself that I would have the courage to even think about wanting to do this work, let alone actually doing it. I started to have so much hope for my future.
Through the sessions, as I have relaxed into touch, I have realised that I am gifted with a high sensual and sexual energy and that I can have multiple powerful orgasms. My first experience of this was when we did the vaginal mapping over several sessions and then I had a yoni massage. This experience has transformed my own experiences of self-pleasure. Before, the way I would masturbate was aggressive, to get a climax and get it over with as quickly as possible. I had always confused anxiety with arousal due to childhood experiences. Having my body touched and honoured and revered and feeling incredible pleasure has changed how I view and touch my own body. I have learnt to build and move my creative sexual energy and let it build and feel it move creatively through my body.
Becoming Myself
I have worked through guilt and shame and started to embrace and enjoy my own body and am starting to love parts of it. Paul has affirmed me and my body and my beauty as a woman and over time I have learned to see myself and my unique beauty through his eyes. For a while I just couldn't believe he was telling the truth when he would compliment me, but I felt his truth in every touch, every word and every encounter. I've been respected, nurtured, cared for and loved in a way I had never experienced, and this has transformed me into a beautiful, fiery goddess who has so much love to give and offer in a relationship. It's a journey, but little by little, session by session I have grown to love and embrace my own beauty so that I now know my own worth and beauty outside of him.
I've also been amazed at how I seem to have received and integrated some of his energy and qualities into myself. I have experienced the unconditional love and attachment that my wounded child parts deeply needed and I feel more secure, anchored, stable, loved and a lot less needy. I have been changed by our work from the inside out. I am building stronger boundaries in relationships, with my family and even at work. I don't recognise myself from the person who first contacted Paul, and I love who I am becoming. I am having more positive encounters with men, and I am also now able to really enjoy penetrative sex – something that I never thought would be possible for me. I see myself as beautiful and desirable.
I thought at one time I just wanted to heal so a man would love me one day and I could have sex, but now I realise that the biggest part of my journey was me becoming that person for myself, learning to love and make love to myself – to embrace all my parts and see my own beauty. Paul has modelled to me how I can do that, for myself, and he has monitored my attachment to him carefully and professionally to avoid dependence, which has helped me work through rejection issues and become more independent.
The Journey Continues
Over the three years we have worked together I have had many wobbles and crisis moments, and we have had breaks in our work because of that, but he has embraced these moments with patience, unconditional love and acceptance and he has never given up on me or written me off. I have learnt how to communicate healthily in a relationship about difficulties and without fear and I have learnt to resolve issues with someone without feeling rejected and wounded. I have learnt to trust a man deeply and to see his beauty. I am excited about my future and the possibilities our work has opened.
To Any Woman Reading This
To any woman thinking she is hopeless, beyond help, too damaged, too traumatised – I encourage you from the bottom of my heart to reach out and have that first chat with Paul. You can change and you can rewrite your own story and your future – but your body and mind just might need the help, affirmation and support of a beautiful soul to do that. He has been that guide for me. I have a deep, profound spiritual connection with Paul, and I will carry it forever with me, in my heart. I have been truly blessed by his time, his generosity, his communication and his loyalty, and I encourage you to take a chance on him.
